


Too Late

by Voido



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 30 Days of Destiel, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Daily Drabble, Fluff, Hurt, M/M, Mostly Drabbles, NaNoWriMo, more like nadrabblewrimo, one shots, probably some sam, the 30 episodes of castiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-28 06:59:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12600896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voido/pseuds/Voido
Summary: It had been too late for both of them before it even began.But that didn't stop them from making it happen.





	1. #1

The second Castiel laid his hand on the violated man's shoulder, he knew it was already too late.

Too late to prevent him from the pain. Too late to say it was going to be alright. Because it wasn't.

It was too late.

 

The second he let go of the very same shoulder, he knew it was in fact way too late.

Too late to prevent himself from falling, in more ways than one. Too late to convince himself that heaven was his only sanctuary, the only thing he cared about. Because that wasn't true anymore.

It was too late.


	2. Unknown Feelings

Being called was entirely different than calling someone. That was partly because while Dean did not understand Castiel's words directed at him, the angel very well understood his. Understood; and chose to ignore.

But when the man with the tortured soul, blind for his own pain, looking for answers, desperately longed to find him, summoned him, Castiel had no choice but to obey. Never had he been summoned with feelings like these.

 

The knife that pierced through his chest when he came to a halt hurt, but not in the way anyone would imagine. He didn't feel physical pain, as the blade didn't have the power to harm him. The pain was in the look Dean Winchester gave him, the hatred in his eyes. Distrust, suspicion.

 _Why_ , was all he could think. _Why does it hurt how much he hates me?_

But there was one singular thing that was even worse than all that. Worse than the despite and disdain in those emerald green eyes.

And that was the fact that Dean Winchester was very obviously questioning not _why_ he had been saved, but why _he_ had been saved, out of all people.

It hurt, in ways Castiel didn't understand.

 


	3. Inevitable Pain

Sometimes, words weren't powerful enough to prove the truth. Humans were very quick to get blinded by their own feelings, that much Castiel had already learned about them. Maybe that was the reason why he decided to show Dean the truth about his parents' past, about Mary Campbell being a hunter, about the inevitable deal with Azazel that she would make, no matter what happened.

Perhaps, if Dean understood that fate couldn't be changed, and that some things just could not be prevented, then he would understand why it was so important that he stopped Sam.

“You need to stop Sam. Or I will.”

Castiel hoped, _begged_ that Dean understood. If Sam didn't finally understand what he was doing, he would leave none of them a choice but to obliterate him.

But what Castiel found in Dean's eyes when he spoke was not understanding. He seemed to accept it as something he would be unable to stop, but the most prominent emotion he gave away was the one that Castiel wanted to see the least: _fear._

Dean was afraid, not only of losing Sam, but of being unable to even try stopping it. Having to watch his brother, whom he had raised, be killed by the angel who had raised _him_ from perdition.

And said angel really wanted to understand, to ease the pain for Dean, but all this was so incredible human and thus alien to him that he didn't know what to do to make it better.

So what he ended up doing, even though he knew it would definitely not make things better, was...nothing. No word, no action.

Maybe he would regret it later, but for now, even more than wanting to help, he wanted to flee from what the pain on Dean's face caused him.

_Anguish._


	4. Honesty

There was a very good thing about unfailingly taking orders; it meant not having to worry about right or wrong, or if a task was actually even possible. Taking the order to do it meant: you do it. And nothing else mattered.

However, if anyone were able to read his mind, Castiel couldn't have denied that he wasn't necessarily happy with possibly having to smite this small, mostly peaceful town. The people here, all of them, were his father's creation, and seeing their deaths as a necessity hurt him.

He prayed, and he wasn't even sure to whom at this point, that Dean would make the decision to fight for this town, instead of giving in. Uriel would try hard to convince the Winchesters to obliterate the town, and the only thing Castiel could do was hope that their resolve was strong enough to withstand that. Because even though he didn't have a say in what was going to happen, he still had an opinion.

It didn't really matter what Castiel thought was right. His order, even though he couldn't spill it out to the Winchesters at this point, were absolute. And that's why he was so glad about how heavily Sam and Dean insisted on saving the people.

 

With every newly broken seal, Castiel could feel the weight of heaven crashing down right above their heads. Of course Uriel wasn't exactly happy about the broken seal, that was obvious, but that was not what Castiel cared about.

He didn't know nearly as much about Dean as anyone would think, regarding the fact that he was basically _his_ angel, who saved him. That's why he needed to do, needed to _say_ something to assure him that his choice was not necessarily a bad thing – just the outcome was anything but desirable.

He decided, just this once, to be entirely honest with Dean. Let him know that he had prayed for the Winchesters to save the town. Admit that their true orders had never been to erase the town, but to act on Dean's command.

And maybe, even though he knew he shouldn't, he would be entirely honest about his _feelings_. His questions, his doubts, and the fact that he was not the reckless soldier Dean saw in him.

It was a dangerous and probably naive thing to do, but at the same time, nothing else seemed more important than that.


	5. Care

Threatening people had never been something Castiel particularly liked. It made the reason to do it seem like not a rightful necessity, but a cruel personal choice. Of course that wasn't really the case, but it didn't change the fact that threatening to kill Sam so Dean would hand over Anna, had felt entirely awful and nothing but wrong.

In the aftermath, it didn't really matter. He and Uriel had been tricked, and both Anna and Alastair had fled from them again.

With every single day, he was getting sicker of this hide-and-seek game, no matter who it involved, and with every single day, he got sicker of seeing both Dean _and_ Sam question and hate them, the angels, more and more. Weren't they supposed to teach them how to believe? To accept their roles in what was happening?

But Castiel knew that none of his feelings were allowed to matter. He had a mission to carry out, and nothing else was important.

 

But why, if nothing else had any real meaning, did he feel the need to tell Dean about the fact that he was different, when he asked why he was an exception to _whatever dies should stay dead_?

He hadn't been ordered to say that, and he wasn't obliged to tell Dean anything that wasn't part of the plan to stop Lucifer.

But when Castiel looked into those emerald green eyes, maybe even further, maybe right through them, the pain Dean was going through was way too much to bear.

The burden Heaven put on the Winchesters wasn't fair, and nothing any human should be forced to carry. So the only thing Castiel could do was to let Dean know that he had a special role, to assure him that there was a reason that other people were dying and yet he lived.

It didn't matter how much these words meant to Castiel _personally_ , and he wouldn't spill it out. But when he was able to _say_ it, he knew it meant a lot for himself, too.

Never before had he dared to question Heaven's choices, or the tasks he had been given. Never had he felt the need to justify his actions towards anyone, let alone a human, because he knew he was carrying out justice's order.

But Dean, and it brought the smallest smile on Castiel's lips, was _different_. In so many kinds of ways that it was impossible to put in words.

It surely didn't set things right, and wasn't the explanation the Winchesters wanted, but it was all he could give, and all that

mattered to him at this point.

Sure, many of the other angels doubted the choice to make Castiel the one to save Dean, because he loved humanity so much, but maybe, so Castiel dared to hope and believe, that was _exactly_ the reason he had been chosen.

Because God knew he would carry out this mission. He would always care about humanity.

And he would always care about Dean.


	6. Shattering Belief

The pain of finding one of his siblings dead was probably the closest that Castiel would ever get to understanding human feelings, so he thought. It was a definite, overwhelming experience that he wished upon no one, even though he knew that heaven welcomed every human with their best memories. But angels…

They had to act quickly, and having captured Alastair, they finally had a chance to find out who was responsible for these killings. It had to stop, the earlier the better. And even so, Uriel's idea of getting the necessary information was hardly anything that Castiel would want.

 

It was obvious that Dean wouldn't just obey and play their tormenter, but it was also not a secret that he had a special set of skills that would prove quite useful for the task.

That's why Castiel believed, forced himself to believe that tearing Dean from Sam and downright forcing him to do it, was the only thing they _could_ do.

He felt Dean's anger without looking at him. He wanted to somehow let him know that he cared enough, to assure him he didn't want to do this, and maybe, just _maybe_ , that was the reason Dean wished for Uriel to leave them alone.

It was weird. Out of all angels, Castiel hadn't thought that he would be the one that Dean trusted. He was disappointed and had been used for their means more than just once. Yet, he wanted to talk to him, showed some sort of _faith_ , even if it wasn't the kind that Castiel wished he had.

While it was quite unusual for anyone to give him a nickname, Dean did. There was no real reason for it, Castiel thought, and still, wasn't that something friends were supposed to do? Family? People who trusted each other?

 

“Tell them you don't want me to do this.”

It was ridiculous. Of course he didn't, but what would that change? He had already been placed under Uriel's command because of the affection he showed for not only humans, but this one in particular. What was there that Castiel could do?

“Believe me...I'd do anything so that you don't have to go in there.”

To Dean, it probably sounded like a throw-away sentence Castiel would say to anyone so that they would believe it. But reality couldn't possibly be further from the truth.

“This is nothing I want. But we need you to do this, so these killings finally stop.”

For the first time during all this, he dared to _honestly_ meet Dean's eyes, maybe to prove that he wasn't lying, that all of this was the truth. That he could never want this.

And Dean believed.

 

But why, if all of this was necessary, needed to be done, did Anna's words hurt so much? Why did Castiel want nothing more than to tear Dean out of that room and free him from the burden on his shoulders?

This feeling, the pain of seeing _his_ protégé have to do these horrible things he wanted so desperately to forget. It was almost worse than looking at his brothers and sisters' dead vessels on the streets.

Never before had Castiel's doubts been bigger.

And never before had he considered treason more.

 

Seeing Uriel die made Castiel feel dirty. As if he were betraying Heaven's orders, even though he had been attacked by his brother first.

He had always thought that killing each other was a very human trait that the angels didn't share.

But soon, he would learn that there were even more things they had in common with each other.


	7. Faith

After all that had happened, the last thing Castiel had hoped to see in Dean was any kind of faith. Be it in him, any other angel or Heaven overall.

That's why he found it hard to explain his pleasure upon Dean actually _praying_ for him to help him, praying as if he actually meant it – and maybe he did. It was impossible not to react to the call.

And maybe that was also the reason that Castiel, even though he knew it was not his place to help the Winchesters at this point, gave Dean the one hint that he needed to ensure Sam's safety – even if it meant risking to get in trouble for endangering the prophet.

Because what did this prophet's life mean to him, personally, compared to Dean's trust?

 

Maybe he should tell Dean at some point, Castiel figured. About everything that was going on. Heaven's plan – at least as much as he knew about it – the necessary sacrifices that needed to be made, and also about how intense his doubts had actually become in the short time he had spent on earth.

That was why he visited Dean in one of his dreams. What he didn't know though, was the punishment he would face for even just trying.

 

Being torn back to Heaven had taught Castiel many things, and the way Jimmy Novak tried to keep him out only added to that. Castiel wanted to believe that people had faith. In the angels, in God and in the Greater Good. But all he had learned from the past was that humans believed for only as long as they needed help.

They easily took, but hardly ever gave anything back. Was that really worth fighting for? This whole place was full of hatred, pain and destruction – nothing down here was desirable, and more than anything, Castiel just wanted to leave earth as soon as he could.

_You're lying to yourself_ , was what his mind told him.  _And you know it._

Was he being brainwashed by the angels? Was seeing what was going on in Heaven, and seeing what happened down on earth, just manipulating him to look for something to fight for? Was he too weak to make his own decisions?

_No_ , was what he wanted to think. It was his duty as a servant of God to do exactly that: Serve God.

But why, if that was his destiny, did it feel so wrong?

 

Castiel had expected Dean to forget about him and pray to someone, maybe something else for help. After all, the angel had made it very clear that he only served Heaven, neither humanity nor Dean.

Yet, the pleads for him to help the Winchesters were so crystal clear, so honest and desperate, that he found himself unable to ignore them.

“Sam could kill Lilith,” he explained upon being asked. “But the amount of demon blood needed for it would make him inhumane.”

That was the truth, even though part of the reason he put so much emphasis on that was because Dean cared about Sam.

Was Castiel trying to manipulating Dean? He didn't know, honestly, and maybe he didn't want to. And it probably didn't matter, because at the end of it all, he, who had tried to assure Dean that Sam could be saved, could be cured, was the one to set the latter free and make way for him to find and kill Lilith. 

Because that was the order Heaven had placed on him, wasn't it?

 

There was no room for personal issues, for _feelings_ that the angels weren't even supposed to have. The only thing that mattered was bringing peace to the world, even if it meant having to accept sacrifices in the course of it.

_Heaven will have mercy_ , was all that Castiel could think.  _When this is all over, things will finally start making sense._

He tried to believe, as it was all he _could_ do.

Rebelling hadn't done Anna any good, and he wasn't going to fall for something as finite as humanity like she had.

Maybe in a hundred years, he would have already forgotten about all this. No one would question his loyalty.


	8. Purpose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, season 4 finale already. ;_;  
> I'm a little proud of how well this is going. I hardly ever have to force any words or sentences in, usually when I'm finished I'm like...5-10 words short, add a sentence and it's exactly the word count I need.  
> Thanks for all the Kudos this got already, I appreciate it a lot and hope you enjoy. <3

No matter what Castiel tried to make himself believe; lying to Dean, plotting to use him as a weapon to defeat Lucifer...it hurt.

It was not only the fact that the angels had long planned to place this burden on Dean, a mere human who wanted nothing but his family's safety, but mostly because Dean actually agreed to help them _stop_ Lucifer from rising. They lied to someone so willing to fight in God's name if it saved his family. They lied, and it would end in the family that Dean wanted to protect dying.

That was one of the many reasons Castiel found himself unable to meet Dean's eyes in the Green Room, and instead almost _hi_ _d_ behind Zachariah, his superior, who so easily lied about their plans.

 

It was nothing but selfish, Castiel realized. If Dean did indeed succeed in defeating Lucifer – by being Michael's vessel, of course – then he would be safe. Blessed, even.

Even though Castiel tried to convince himself that he served Heaven because he felt that it was right, reality knocked on his doors constantly.

_If we obey, we will live._

No, that didn't quite catch it.

_If we obey, **Dean** will live._

That was more like it.

 

Why was it always Dean's hatred that rendered Castiel unable to believe in his plan? Dean looking at him, begging him to help. Saying that he'd rather take the pain, the suffering, and actually  _ meaning  _ it?

Why did he feel the need to apologize, even though he knew that Dean didn't want to hear it?

Had Anna been right? Was it childish of Castiel to hope for a better future by believing in a plan he didn't even know if he could approve of? Should he disobey and change something?

_ No _ , he decided. As long as he went with the plan, Dean would be safe. He would hate him, despise him, maybe even try to kill him, but he would be  _ safe. _

It didn't matter how hypocritical this was. Pretending to fight for a Greater Good, while the only thing he wanted was to keep this one human safe at all cost. He had to do it, because for the first time in ever, he felt like he had a  _ purpose. _

He had told Dean he didn't serve him or humanity. But no matter how hard he tried to believe it, it was a  _ lie. _

 

_ When have things begun to change? _ Castiel wondered after leaving Dean to himself.  _ When did I start feeling these doubts? _

He remembered Dean's words.

_ If there's something worth dying for...it's this. _

As an angel, Castiel was immortal, unless someone willingly killed him. Was that the reason he did not understand why humans would sacrifice themselves? Because their time was short anyway, but his was potentially eternal?

He thought about the look Dean had given him. The faith this man, who had been betrayed by him more than just once, more than he even realized, had put in him  _ after all that _ . The fact that there was something between them that was different than the bond Castiel had with his siblings.

Different... _ better. _

For the first time ever, everything finally made sense.

 

What Castiel felt while pushing Dean into the wall, covering his mouth and demanding him to be quiet, was probably what humans called  _ adrenaline. _

He know that they didn't have much time. Maybe Zachariah would appear and kill them before he could even cut his wrists.

But Dean didn't fight, and that saved a good few seconds. Castiel didn't need to explain.

When he had been torn back to Heaven by force, his siblings had demanded answers. For his behavior, his planned d efiance. But Dean didn't ask. He  _ trusted  _ him. And it was a better feeling than Castiel could have ever described with words.

 

Standing next to Chuck, realizing just how close the end was for him, Castiel thought about all the things that had happened and could have still happened.

If the stories were true, Paradise had been so unbelievably close. Not only Heaven, but also humanity would have been at peace. No more hatred and pain. Only forgiveness.

But when he felt not only his vessel, but also himself being turn into tiniest shreds, none of the indescribable pain was as strong as the most prominent emotion he felt:

_ Bliss. _

He would never know if Dean had succeeded in stopping Sam. He would never fully understand these feelings, why they occupied him so much that it made him betray everything he had ever known.

He would never learn the possibilities Paradise could have given them.

But in this second, knowing that he had served the one man who had put all his trust in him, that he had done everything to  _ earn  _ said trust…

Nothing else mattered to him.


End file.
